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20 May 2010 @ 08:07 pm
Sometimes I wish people didn't see me for my strength. It means more and more people look to me to always be brave, to always be composed. When really, I'd just really like a warm embrace and a shoulder to cry on.

I'm on the right track, that's never a question. I think everyone needs to just feel once in a while. Feel all the things constantly fought back by strength.
11 May 2010 @ 11:05 pm
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe
Current Music: Older Chests
03 May 2010 @ 11:19 pm
I know I do this to myself.

03 May 2010 @ 07:47 pm
title or description
Current Music: The Unicorns
23 April 2010 @ 04:51 pm
Scrunched up little hands and tiny tiny toes.
20 April 2010 @ 03:17 pm
Ew..... Don't remind me.
05 April 2010 @ 12:19 am
I really wish I had a camera on me today in Central Park. All the cherry blossoms are in bloom. It was a sight to behold. Something I wish to share.
Current Music: Voxtrot
01 April 2010 @ 11:52 am
So it's been a ride.

I haven't really written about anything in a while. I guess that's because I've been very focused for months now on cleaning up the rough edges in my life. Smoothing it out, detoxing it, making sure it's tuned up (like most cars need) to keep it running for a good long time to come. Since moving into the new apartment, I've been distant from people that matter, and maybe a little too closed for my own good. Slowly, I have been letting people back in - One by one. Not really in any particular order, but it feels good to reconnect. Helen, you were first. I am glad we are in pretty consistent contact again - It's so nice to know what's going on in one another's life. To be supportive, to be friends.

I made myself aware in this time of all the wrongs that have taken place since I moved away from home in 2007. The things I neglected to change because I was afraid to, or gave myself excuses not to because routine is familiar. Familiarity in it's own way, is comfortable. Nothing is irreparable, if I have learned one thing. I have been slowly undergoing the mending process. I feel good about it. I feel good about who I am, who I am becoming. I feel good about the effort I am making to improve myself, my life, my inner most workings. No one said rewiring would be easy - And it hasn't been. But well, if you don't try... Then that's quite a sad direction for one's life to go.
Current Music: The Microphones - Map
18 March 2010 @ 04:45 pm
I finally started digging through my macbook for important files to move to the macbook pro. Took me long enough. In celebration of nostalgia, that strange state of mind - I opened up the folder that holds all the iChat history. I found myself reading through the last several conversations Adam and I had before he died. Little snippets were comforting to his memory. At the same time it makes me sad that I really didn't realize the end slowly creeping up on him. It's so apparent now that I read back, but I guess in the moment I didn't want to see it.

sandmn194: oh lia, why can't there be more women like you?!
liasaurus: me? because then the world would be filled with devilishly attractive crazy women

sandmn194: so how's the life of lia?
liasaurus: life of lia is going very well, it has it's ups and downs, but karma has been good to me
liasaurus: how about yourself? the life of adam is going well, i hope?
sandmn194: not bad
sandmn194: at the moment i'm kind of sick
sandmn194: trying to get over that
liasaurus: ... not fun =(
sandmn194: not at all
liasaurus: cold again?
sandmn194: i had one
sandmn194: now i'm just crazy-congested
liasaurus: i hate that you're suffering...
sandmn194: this album i'm sending you is amazing
sandmn194: we just connect really well ;-)

sandmn194: hey, do you know who owned mexico and texas in 1767?
liasaurus: ....um...
liasaurus: that dude from zorro?
liasaurus: haha.. no, sorry
sandmn194: lol, wonderful Lia

sandmn194: hey beautiful
liasaurus: hey handsome
liasaurus: how are you feeling?
sandmn194: better
sandmn194: supposed to finally get out of this place tomorrow
liasaurus: oh thank god
liasaurus: i'm so glad to hear
sandmn194: well, there were unfortunately bad results to my brochoscopy
sandmn194: i have an infection called pseudomonas which is resistant to all antibiotics
liasaurus: ...what kind of bad?
sandmn194: respiratory infection
liasaurus: ....how can they fix that?
sandmn194: they can'
sandmn194: t*
liasaurus: ...it's there for life?
sandmn194: yeah
sandmn194: so a lung transplant is becoming a reality
liasaurus: can you live with that? like is it going to be a daily hinderance?
sandmn194: sooner than i thought it would
liasaurus: oh babe i'm so sorry to hear that...
sandmn194: yeah
sandmn194: it's a big bummer
sandmn194: apparently the doctors think i have an average of 5-7 years left
sandmn194: and that's with the transplant
liasaurus: ....
liasaurus: your not serious?
sandmn194: yeah
sandmn194: i am
liasaurus: prove them wrong please
sandmn194: that's my plan
sandmn194: apparently, i have stumped my infectious disease doctor
sandmn194: because with what i have, i'm supposed to have been getting progressively sicker each day
sandmn194: and i haven't
liasaurus: that's a good thing
sandmn194: yes
sandmn194: they may not be able to treat it, but they can't understand why i'm not getting worse
sandmn194: so i'm going to look into all i can to keep me healthy
sandmn194: but at the same time, look into the transplant stuff and find the best scenario possibly for me

And the last recorded conversation in the history...
liasaurus: handsome, how are you doing?
sandmn194: had a pretty bad day today
sandmn194: still adjusting to the world agin
sandmn194: again*
liasaurus: it'll take time again
liasaurus: you have a lot on your plate
sandmn194: it is hard coming to the realization that just a year or two ago, i was able to move around and go places with no trouble
sandmn194: now i have trouble breathing without oxygen
sandmn194: hopefully i will be able to get myself breathing well enough again
sandmn194: it will just take time and energy
sandmn194: i want to start going to the gym when i get the strength
sandmn194: build myself up
liasaurus: physical exertion is the best thing anyone can do for themselves. and it doesn't have to be an all out overexertion. a little bit goes a long way, and I mean that more mentally than physically
sandmn194: :)

This all made me think. One day when I am in a very financially comfortable situation - I'd like to see what I can do in the area of funding research of CF. It really is such a tragic, tragic curse.

The day is beautiful though, freshly back from a nice long walk. Sun is shining, bird singing. People hanging out in chairs next to their stoops... Spring is upon us!